I'm Not Feeling it Anymore...

Every time I mess up, like about 10 minutes ago, I feel fine afterwards. I'm not ok with sinning in what I think is one of the worst ways possible and not feeling bad for it in the end. I can't understand why I watch the things that I do and do the things that I do to myself. IDK why!!! It's frustrating because I feel like I've asked for forgiveness so many times and I just can't bring myself to ask it anymore. Like I've run out of forgiveness lives or something. Sounds silly but that's how I feel. I always thought that I would never do any of that nasty stuff. I won't cut, I won't cuss, I won't think about sinning night and day and then do it the next day because I'm bored. I like to sin! It makes me feel good. I want to do it more because it makes me feel good. I don't listen to much Christian music anymore because I don't feel good enough for it. I know that I'm better than this, but I feel like I don't want to be. I wanna be with random people and do things with them that I never would of thought of a year ago. I feel rotten and I don't have enough support here. The only people that I can tell all these things to aren't here. Honestly, there are only two people that I can tell this stuff too and one of them is in Austin and the other one is in Illinois. I'm not too sure how they are doing but I need to talk to someone about this. I feel very alone and I know that one of them has gone through the exact same thing that I'm going through....I just wish she weren't so far away. It really sucks.