Better...

I feel as though, even though it has only been a day and a half, that I'm doing better. I didn't take my walk this morning so instead of listening to secular music while getting ready, I played some worship music. It felt real good to listen to some music that you knew at the end of each "love" song that whoever it was being sung to would continue to be sung to forever. I'm not a huge fan of Christian music. As in, "Keys to the Kingdom" or anything by an artist who doesn't do worship. There's a big difference between Christian and worship. I like worship. Today, this is my quiet time. God, yesterday was super boring...please help me to make some kinda fun out of work today. I pray that if Renee or Craig are really nice and good and funny that they open up to us today. I just need some fun at work. Somehow God, help me to start loving my job again. And maybe to make it fun for other people that I work with. I don't want anyone to start hating their jobs. And none of us are real thrilled about the new desks that we are getting moved too. Even with that God, help me to find joy in it. Everything happens for a reason, so for whatever reason this is happening, I'll embrace it as a blessing from you. To be able to talk to people with out having to leave my cubicle is a plus. Now, all you gotta do is stand up. That's fun. God I love You so much. I'm sorry for the trouble I've been in, but I am doing better now. Look at me. Whenever I think about the things I've done, yes I still feel the guilt, I want to get rid of it, but I don't feel right about giving it to you. But by not doing, I'm just putting you back on that cross. So God, please take my guilt. You know what I've done, you know how I feel. Please forgive me, and somehow, help me to use this as something to help others. Help me not to get my own feelings mixed up. I think You know what I mean by that. Be my today. Be my today. You're so beautiful. So gracious. So caring and forgiving. I love You so much. Thank You God. I will stand today.
Love,
Kellie

I'm Not Ok

I'm not sure how things got so screwed up. Probably when I stopped praying and actually spending time with God. If I were in Austin right now, this wouldn't be happening. I would be ok. But I'm in Happy, where I'm not ok. The only friends I have aren't Christians and the only friend that I do have that's a Christian I don't talk to very often. But I could change that if I wanted to. I don't like messing up. I don't like being weak. God I need you! Why can't I prove it? I honestly don't know. Weakness, intimidation, fear of losing friends that I just barely made. Too much crap that really doesn't matter. I've struggled with sex all my life and yet I don't seem to have made any progress. Jesus, wanna be the one you look for. The one that you seek out in a crowd. How do I fall in love with you again? I've lost it. I don't remember how to do it anymore. Did I ever really know how to do it? Does anyone? I stumble, fall, get lifted up, stumble, fall, get lifted up over and over and over again and I hate it! Couldn't I just not stumble? That would be pretty great. I can't tell anyone what I've done. After putting two years into a program that bases everything off of Your word and Your prompting, how could I have done something so stupid? I feel like I'm conforming to the world and I can't stop it. But You can. Somehow, You do stop it. You always know what I'm about to go through and I really want to know what you expect me to do about this. Unless this is all I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I don't feel like I'm doing anything, but I kinda also feel like I'm fighting a battle. God, am I winning yet? There is a song by Frontline called "Something's Gotta Change" and it talks about how we are going on a path that's not right, but we can't change unless we choose too. Unless we get off our butts and do something. Sometimes, we can't wait for God to change us. We gotta start changing ourselves and God will meet us halfway. The only way to be free is to follow God. Why am I alive? Why are any of us alive? I don't understand, why God, why do you love me so much? Any of us? The lesbians, the killers, rapists, abusers, liars, cheaters God we are all sinners and I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that you love us with a flawless love and yet we love you sometimes less than half heartedly. But, maybe we weren't supposed to know that. That could be one of the many mysteries of who God is. Arianne called me tonight. It was like a breath of fresh air talking to that girl. I bet it's even better when you actually talk to God. I should probably try it. When I walk my dog tomorrow, that's exactly what I plan to do. I can't live like this anymore. It's too hard and not worth it. I want to make a difference and if that's the case, I got to make a difference in myself first.

Today

I'm not sure how to react to all the things that happened today. This morning, I woke up thinking about sex and did some things that I'm not proud of. Thank God for His mercy. This evening after work I went out with some people I work with and I felt awful the whole time. Like I wasn't acting the way I should be or anything like that. Not the way a Christ follower should. On my way home this evening after the hang out I had horrible thoughts and images come to my mind and tried to make them go away. I watched part of Dawn of the Dead thinking that I could handle it, but I can't. Actually, I choose not to. I don't remember who sings it but there is a song called "Lost Get Found". It's a Christian song that I've been hearing a lot lately and I am pretty sure that there is a reason for it. All I've been trying to do is blend in. When really, I'm supposed to stand out because that is how the lost can get found. I need help standing out. Taking my lunch breaks by myself or not saying freaking so much. I need to do something to get back to where I was. Or better. God, help. I feel like I have no control and I'm pretty sure that I should have at least a little. Help me. I talked to Ryan tonight. Through text. He always makes me feel stupid and if someone does that to me, I don't think that I should be friends with them. Much less allow them to think that I still have feelings for them when I don't. I won't miss talking to him. Maybe every once in a while but right now, he is being mean and I don't really appreciate it. I erased his number for the final time. No more. This is it for good. After masters, if his act is together, we can be friends, if not, then no. I won't put up with it. I need to get some accountability. Arianne is busy, Jessica isn't working out. If I ask her to hold me accountable, I don't really think she knows what that means and what that entails. She's bad at it and you know what. So am I. But at least I know that. At least I want and will work on it. I choose not to talk to her and if she can grow up and stop thinking about herself, great. If not, then I need to stay away from her. I'm sorry if that's mean but it's how I feel. I need to start expressing that more often. I don't like the way she makes me feel. Unimportant. At this point, she could say she's sorry all day long, but I don't feel like it would change anything. Oh well. Maybe later. I think I always used her as a security blanket. I didn't have very many friends when I first moved back, but now I do and I don't need her and I'm ok to say that. I can let go of her because I have other people now. I feel bad that that's what I did and I'll admit it if I had to. I put up with her crap cuz i didn't have anyone else. That's different now. And I'll be ok. I love you so much God. Please forgive me. I'm sorry for not living up to what I could be right now. Help me to do better. I love you.