I've been playing stupid for long enough...

It's time for me to quit. Ryan is a jerk. I really feel like he's lied to me about his feelings for me the whole time we have "liked" each other. I don't know how he kept up the charade for so long. I initiated everything. Very few times would he text me first or call me first. VERY few. When I mentioned it, he would apologize and say he would do better so I would stop texting him or calling him and then I would be yelled at by him saying that I don't talk to him enough. I want to be the pursued, not the pursuer. That's lame. Guys are supposed to be the ones to do that. If he wasn't lying to me about his feelings, then he sucks and being a boy. He sucks at dating, flirting, taking care of people. He's selfish and doesn't know how to treat a girl. He's got so much junk from his past that he won't let go of or learn from. I'm not the girl for him. I deserve way better than him and if he doesn't like that then he can get over himself. I'm not some project that he passes or fails. If I were, he would have failed a long time ago. He needs to grow up and be a man. And, he needs to get over himself. I know that I'm selfish and I know that every human has selfish tendencies, but he takes it overboard. It's quite ridiculous. If he wants a girl then he needs to figure out how to be a guy. AND, if he feels called to masters, then he needs to get off his butt and get a job. It doesn't matter what kinda job it is. He's lazy! All he cares about is his comfort and going to ten. How on earth is he gonna pay for Masters? I don't think that his parents are gonna help him. They want him to go to college. He really needs to just grow up. We all have to do it at some point and he needs to start now. I'm done with him.

Answering phone calls

Yeah, I don't know if it's for me or not. I LOVE being at a desk and LOVE having a little box to call my own, however, when a borrower starts crying to you uncontrollably about something that you can't even help her with....yeah that doesn't really make me feel good inside. I want to help people and I'm trying super hard to have a good attitude about it and I really want to help people and I guess when I told God that I wanted to help people this is what He had in mind. Thanks. God, help me to do my job with excellence. I don't want to leave these people hanging and I don't want to give them an answer that is wrong. I want to help them as much as I can and then find someone who can help them even more. Is that why I've been given this job?? Crazy! God, You would. Thank you. I need this job to teach me more than just student loans. It's helping me take care of people even more than Master's did. Actually, I'm getting to practice taking care of people now more than ever. Yes! Thank You God. Ha You really do know what's best for me. Help me to take care of people outside of work also. I'll never forget my friends in Austin and how they can always use a hand. Maybe I can be that hand. If they and You want. I love you so much God. Thank you for being with me.

Today at work...

Ok, so, I took this job with ACS a few weeks ago and I was really nervous and very scared that I would mess up all the time and get fired on the spot. So far that hasn't happened. Four reps from Utica, NY came down to help us get situated and answer our questions and things like that. Kim, Shelly, Frank and Ryan are their names. I do NOT like Shelly. I loathe confrontation and she's full of it. She seems like she's mad all the time and is just mean! I don't like her. I try to get along, but when I mess she seems to jump down my throat. Now I understand that some personality traits just won't mesh well. I totally get that. I really feel that I'm either being super ove sensitive about this whole thing, or she's just a jerk. I told my mom how I felt, and she agrees, therefore Shelly is a jerk. Tomorrow is her last day, thank goodness. I don't think I could handle one more day with her. Today was my first day on the phones without a phone coach. I was nervous but I actually did really good. I messed up a couple times, but it wasn't a big deal at all. Shelly made some of my mess ups to be HUGE, of course. Oh well. I don't really care about her, I just want to get through this next day without having to talk to her much. If at all. God give patience and strength. I don't want her to think of me disrespectful, but I'm not a fan of hers so help me to figure out a way to put up with her, with excellence. I'm sorry for my attitude today and I am sorry that I forgot about you. I pray that no one else cries tomorrow and that we all do really well. Help me to talk about you more. Bring up conversations that will lead to the Good News. I love you so much and thank you again for giving me this job. I hope I don't let you down. I love You God.

Today...

So, today I did something that I shouldn't of done. I have had a struggle for a while with sex and watching things that deal with sex and thinking about sex and it's all just a huge mess. Ever since I was molested, I started thinking about it non-stop. I got tired of it and even though it was a struggle during Master's, I felt that after my second year I had concured it. But today, I allowed myself to watch something called "The Red Shoe Diaries". It sounds almost innocent, but it isn't. It's anything but innocent and good. It was shady beyond compare and I'm pretty sure that I haven't felt more nasty after watching it in my entire life. Why on earth did I allow myself to watch it? Because I didn't feel as if I had control anymore. I felt that if I just watched this one movie or one episode of something I would be fine. Kinda like a drug fix only I feel as if it's way worse. It seems as if I am good when I'm around people, but when I'm alone I turn into someone I don't like. Even if I'm around my family I feel alone. I just want to be with people all the time, but I can't do that while living in Happy. There aren't any people here! Now I'm just complaining. If I had been steady with my QT's I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be having this issue right now or writing this blog. I sometimes think that God won't forgive me because I knew better and I watched that movie anyways. But I know He still loves me and you can't have love without forgiveness. It's not possible. Love is patient and Kind. It doesn't keep any record of wrong. God, I'm so sorry. I'm prideful and I continue to see things or do things that break my pride a little more. Unintentionally of course ha. I mess up even when no one else is around and yet I feel stupid. I just want to be better again. But I need to work at it. You have blessed me with a great past couple of weeks, please God, I beg You that it will continue. I've made friends so fast and they really do like me. For me! Instantly! Well, almost ha. I just feel so great about this job and I'm hoping that one day soon I'll be able to get one or two of my new friends to go to church with me. That would be so great. Please God, I'm asking this while knowing what I'm asking for. I love you so much. Break me. If you've stopped then please start again. No more depression. No more sexual sin. No more gossiping. I can't handle those to be on my shoulders. I've got enough stuff to do than that crap. Help me God to always remember what Brady saw that night at TEN. A circle of peace that surrounds me. I think Celeste might be getting closer to me and that's awesome! I'm so happy for her! I hope and pray God that something will happen there. Something radical and extraordinary. I love you God and I DO believe in miracles.

RFKC and children in general...

My world has been rocked lately and tonight, I just cannot sleep until I write it down. Or in this case type it down. I miss my RFKC girls like crazy. And you know, it might not even be that I miss them, but I'm slightly worried about them. I know a decent taste of what they were coming from when they showed up at RFKC and if it hasn't gotten any better, that concerns me. I love D and E so much. and M and P. They were my girls. I can't type their real names for security purposes and their own well being is on my heart, so for now, their initials is their name. I didn't even want children a few months ago. Now, I want to work at CPS and I want to save every child in sight from ever having to be harmed again. God has really changed my heart about a lot of things and children so far are the biggest thing that I've had to give to God. And when I mean give to God I mean tell Him that if He wants me to be with them, then fine. I'll do it because I love Him. But now I want to do it for them AND Him. Make sense? But I don't want to work with the kids that have normal lives and are "safe" from parental abuse or adult abuse in general. I want to work with the kids that think they have no one and then all the sudden, God shows up. There needs to be more Christians in CPS. More people willing to stand up for children the way they deserve. What have they ever done wrong to deserve such awful treatment from their parents? Is being completely innocent to the things of this world so terrible? Not properly knowing right and wrong from birth so they should be beaten everyday of their young lives? Is that what they need? Really? Or do they need love??? LOVE. It makes me so angry when I see a parent beat their child or scream at them or tell them to shut up. Even something to small to the world can mean a whole lot to a child. God created them too. We used to be them. Do we deserve to be beaten? Yes. Do we deserve to have all of our mistakes thrown into our faces over and over again? Yes. But some of the time, when we do get "beaten" and our mistakes are shoved in our faces, where does that anger go? The poor child. They don't know why. They don't know what they did wrong, which is nothing. As Christians, what happened to us? What happened to our confidence and faith when we see trouble arising? I'm not seeing anything to be proud of here. RFKC is the first experience that I've ever had with foster children who have been abused and neglected. I shouldn't of had to wait so long. Teenagers need to know what's happening in the world, but sometimes they are too "busy". There is no such thing as busy. God created time so I'm sure that He can create more of it. Or at least help figure out the messes that we as humans tend to make sometimes. God, help me to live the life I've given to You as abnormal. Above average. Christ followers do NOT blend. They stand out. That's what we are supposed to do. Right?