Better....part two

I'm Not Feeling it Anymore...

Every time I mess up, like about 10 minutes ago, I feel fine afterwards. I'm not ok with sinning in what I think is one of the worst ways possible and not feeling bad for it in the end. I can't understand why I watch the things that I do and do the things that I do to myself. IDK why!!! It's frustrating because I feel like I've asked for forgiveness so many times and I just can't bring myself to ask it anymore. Like I've run out of forgiveness lives or something. Sounds silly but that's how I feel. I always thought that I would never do any of that nasty stuff. I won't cut, I won't cuss, I won't think about sinning night and day and then do it the next day because I'm bored. I like to sin! It makes me feel good. I want to do it more because it makes me feel good. I don't listen to much Christian music anymore because I don't feel good enough for it. I know that I'm better than this, but I feel like I don't want to be. I wanna be with random people and do things with them that I never would of thought of a year ago. I feel rotten and I don't have enough support here. The only people that I can tell all these things to aren't here. Honestly, there are only two people that I can tell this stuff too and one of them is in Austin and the other one is in Illinois. I'm not too sure how they are doing but I need to talk to someone about this. I feel very alone and I know that one of them has gone through the exact same thing that I'm going through....I just wish she weren't so far away. It really sucks.

Better...

I feel as though, even though it has only been a day and a half, that I'm doing better. I didn't take my walk this morning so instead of listening to secular music while getting ready, I played some worship music. It felt real good to listen to some music that you knew at the end of each "love" song that whoever it was being sung to would continue to be sung to forever. I'm not a huge fan of Christian music. As in, "Keys to the Kingdom" or anything by an artist who doesn't do worship. There's a big difference between Christian and worship. I like worship. Today, this is my quiet time. God, yesterday was super boring...please help me to make some kinda fun out of work today. I pray that if Renee or Craig are really nice and good and funny that they open up to us today. I just need some fun at work. Somehow God, help me to start loving my job again. And maybe to make it fun for other people that I work with. I don't want anyone to start hating their jobs. And none of us are real thrilled about the new desks that we are getting moved too. Even with that God, help me to find joy in it. Everything happens for a reason, so for whatever reason this is happening, I'll embrace it as a blessing from you. To be able to talk to people with out having to leave my cubicle is a plus. Now, all you gotta do is stand up. That's fun. God I love You so much. I'm sorry for the trouble I've been in, but I am doing better now. Look at me. Whenever I think about the things I've done, yes I still feel the guilt, I want to get rid of it, but I don't feel right about giving it to you. But by not doing, I'm just putting you back on that cross. So God, please take my guilt. You know what I've done, you know how I feel. Please forgive me, and somehow, help me to use this as something to help others. Help me not to get my own feelings mixed up. I think You know what I mean by that. Be my today. Be my today. You're so beautiful. So gracious. So caring and forgiving. I love You so much. Thank You God. I will stand today.
Love,
Kellie

I'm Not Ok

I'm not sure how things got so screwed up. Probably when I stopped praying and actually spending time with God. If I were in Austin right now, this wouldn't be happening. I would be ok. But I'm in Happy, where I'm not ok. The only friends I have aren't Christians and the only friend that I do have that's a Christian I don't talk to very often. But I could change that if I wanted to. I don't like messing up. I don't like being weak. God I need you! Why can't I prove it? I honestly don't know. Weakness, intimidation, fear of losing friends that I just barely made. Too much crap that really doesn't matter. I've struggled with sex all my life and yet I don't seem to have made any progress. Jesus, wanna be the one you look for. The one that you seek out in a crowd. How do I fall in love with you again? I've lost it. I don't remember how to do it anymore. Did I ever really know how to do it? Does anyone? I stumble, fall, get lifted up, stumble, fall, get lifted up over and over and over again and I hate it! Couldn't I just not stumble? That would be pretty great. I can't tell anyone what I've done. After putting two years into a program that bases everything off of Your word and Your prompting, how could I have done something so stupid? I feel like I'm conforming to the world and I can't stop it. But You can. Somehow, You do stop it. You always know what I'm about to go through and I really want to know what you expect me to do about this. Unless this is all I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I don't feel like I'm doing anything, but I kinda also feel like I'm fighting a battle. God, am I winning yet? There is a song by Frontline called "Something's Gotta Change" and it talks about how we are going on a path that's not right, but we can't change unless we choose too. Unless we get off our butts and do something. Sometimes, we can't wait for God to change us. We gotta start changing ourselves and God will meet us halfway. The only way to be free is to follow God. Why am I alive? Why are any of us alive? I don't understand, why God, why do you love me so much? Any of us? The lesbians, the killers, rapists, abusers, liars, cheaters God we are all sinners and I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that you love us with a flawless love and yet we love you sometimes less than half heartedly. But, maybe we weren't supposed to know that. That could be one of the many mysteries of who God is. Arianne called me tonight. It was like a breath of fresh air talking to that girl. I bet it's even better when you actually talk to God. I should probably try it. When I walk my dog tomorrow, that's exactly what I plan to do. I can't live like this anymore. It's too hard and not worth it. I want to make a difference and if that's the case, I got to make a difference in myself first.

Today

I'm not sure how to react to all the things that happened today. This morning, I woke up thinking about sex and did some things that I'm not proud of. Thank God for His mercy. This evening after work I went out with some people I work with and I felt awful the whole time. Like I wasn't acting the way I should be or anything like that. Not the way a Christ follower should. On my way home this evening after the hang out I had horrible thoughts and images come to my mind and tried to make them go away. I watched part of Dawn of the Dead thinking that I could handle it, but I can't. Actually, I choose not to. I don't remember who sings it but there is a song called "Lost Get Found". It's a Christian song that I've been hearing a lot lately and I am pretty sure that there is a reason for it. All I've been trying to do is blend in. When really, I'm supposed to stand out because that is how the lost can get found. I need help standing out. Taking my lunch breaks by myself or not saying freaking so much. I need to do something to get back to where I was. Or better. God, help. I feel like I have no control and I'm pretty sure that I should have at least a little. Help me. I talked to Ryan tonight. Through text. He always makes me feel stupid and if someone does that to me, I don't think that I should be friends with them. Much less allow them to think that I still have feelings for them when I don't. I won't miss talking to him. Maybe every once in a while but right now, he is being mean and I don't really appreciate it. I erased his number for the final time. No more. This is it for good. After masters, if his act is together, we can be friends, if not, then no. I won't put up with it. I need to get some accountability. Arianne is busy, Jessica isn't working out. If I ask her to hold me accountable, I don't really think she knows what that means and what that entails. She's bad at it and you know what. So am I. But at least I know that. At least I want and will work on it. I choose not to talk to her and if she can grow up and stop thinking about herself, great. If not, then I need to stay away from her. I'm sorry if that's mean but it's how I feel. I need to start expressing that more often. I don't like the way she makes me feel. Unimportant. At this point, she could say she's sorry all day long, but I don't feel like it would change anything. Oh well. Maybe later. I think I always used her as a security blanket. I didn't have very many friends when I first moved back, but now I do and I don't need her and I'm ok to say that. I can let go of her because I have other people now. I feel bad that that's what I did and I'll admit it if I had to. I put up with her crap cuz i didn't have anyone else. That's different now. And I'll be ok. I love you so much God. Please forgive me. I'm sorry for not living up to what I could be right now. Help me to do better. I love you.

I've been playing stupid for long enough...

It's time for me to quit. Ryan is a jerk. I really feel like he's lied to me about his feelings for me the whole time we have "liked" each other. I don't know how he kept up the charade for so long. I initiated everything. Very few times would he text me first or call me first. VERY few. When I mentioned it, he would apologize and say he would do better so I would stop texting him or calling him and then I would be yelled at by him saying that I don't talk to him enough. I want to be the pursued, not the pursuer. That's lame. Guys are supposed to be the ones to do that. If he wasn't lying to me about his feelings, then he sucks and being a boy. He sucks at dating, flirting, taking care of people. He's selfish and doesn't know how to treat a girl. He's got so much junk from his past that he won't let go of or learn from. I'm not the girl for him. I deserve way better than him and if he doesn't like that then he can get over himself. I'm not some project that he passes or fails. If I were, he would have failed a long time ago. He needs to grow up and be a man. And, he needs to get over himself. I know that I'm selfish and I know that every human has selfish tendencies, but he takes it overboard. It's quite ridiculous. If he wants a girl then he needs to figure out how to be a guy. AND, if he feels called to masters, then he needs to get off his butt and get a job. It doesn't matter what kinda job it is. He's lazy! All he cares about is his comfort and going to ten. How on earth is he gonna pay for Masters? I don't think that his parents are gonna help him. They want him to go to college. He really needs to just grow up. We all have to do it at some point and he needs to start now. I'm done with him.

Answering phone calls

Yeah, I don't know if it's for me or not. I LOVE being at a desk and LOVE having a little box to call my own, however, when a borrower starts crying to you uncontrollably about something that you can't even help her with....yeah that doesn't really make me feel good inside. I want to help people and I'm trying super hard to have a good attitude about it and I really want to help people and I guess when I told God that I wanted to help people this is what He had in mind. Thanks. God, help me to do my job with excellence. I don't want to leave these people hanging and I don't want to give them an answer that is wrong. I want to help them as much as I can and then find someone who can help them even more. Is that why I've been given this job?? Crazy! God, You would. Thank you. I need this job to teach me more than just student loans. It's helping me take care of people even more than Master's did. Actually, I'm getting to practice taking care of people now more than ever. Yes! Thank You God. Ha You really do know what's best for me. Help me to take care of people outside of work also. I'll never forget my friends in Austin and how they can always use a hand. Maybe I can be that hand. If they and You want. I love you so much God. Thank you for being with me.