I'm Not Ok

I'm not sure how things got so screwed up. Probably when I stopped praying and actually spending time with God. If I were in Austin right now, this wouldn't be happening. I would be ok. But I'm in Happy, where I'm not ok. The only friends I have aren't Christians and the only friend that I do have that's a Christian I don't talk to very often. But I could change that if I wanted to. I don't like messing up. I don't like being weak. God I need you! Why can't I prove it? I honestly don't know. Weakness, intimidation, fear of losing friends that I just barely made. Too much crap that really doesn't matter. I've struggled with sex all my life and yet I don't seem to have made any progress. Jesus, wanna be the one you look for. The one that you seek out in a crowd. How do I fall in love with you again? I've lost it. I don't remember how to do it anymore. Did I ever really know how to do it? Does anyone? I stumble, fall, get lifted up, stumble, fall, get lifted up over and over and over again and I hate it! Couldn't I just not stumble? That would be pretty great. I can't tell anyone what I've done. After putting two years into a program that bases everything off of Your word and Your prompting, how could I have done something so stupid? I feel like I'm conforming to the world and I can't stop it. But You can. Somehow, You do stop it. You always know what I'm about to go through and I really want to know what you expect me to do about this. Unless this is all I'm supposed to be doing. I know that I don't feel like I'm doing anything, but I kinda also feel like I'm fighting a battle. God, am I winning yet? There is a song by Frontline called "Something's Gotta Change" and it talks about how we are going on a path that's not right, but we can't change unless we choose too. Unless we get off our butts and do something. Sometimes, we can't wait for God to change us. We gotta start changing ourselves and God will meet us halfway. The only way to be free is to follow God. Why am I alive? Why are any of us alive? I don't understand, why God, why do you love me so much? Any of us? The lesbians, the killers, rapists, abusers, liars, cheaters God we are all sinners and I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that you love us with a flawless love and yet we love you sometimes less than half heartedly. But, maybe we weren't supposed to know that. That could be one of the many mysteries of who God is. Arianne called me tonight. It was like a breath of fresh air talking to that girl. I bet it's even better when you actually talk to God. I should probably try it. When I walk my dog tomorrow, that's exactly what I plan to do. I can't live like this anymore. It's too hard and not worth it. I want to make a difference and if that's the case, I got to make a difference in myself first.