Today

I'm not sure how to react to all the things that happened today. This morning, I woke up thinking about sex and did some things that I'm not proud of. Thank God for His mercy. This evening after work I went out with some people I work with and I felt awful the whole time. Like I wasn't acting the way I should be or anything like that. Not the way a Christ follower should. On my way home this evening after the hang out I had horrible thoughts and images come to my mind and tried to make them go away. I watched part of Dawn of the Dead thinking that I could handle it, but I can't. Actually, I choose not to. I don't remember who sings it but there is a song called "Lost Get Found". It's a Christian song that I've been hearing a lot lately and I am pretty sure that there is a reason for it. All I've been trying to do is blend in. When really, I'm supposed to stand out because that is how the lost can get found. I need help standing out. Taking my lunch breaks by myself or not saying freaking so much. I need to do something to get back to where I was. Or better. God, help. I feel like I have no control and I'm pretty sure that I should have at least a little. Help me. I talked to Ryan tonight. Through text. He always makes me feel stupid and if someone does that to me, I don't think that I should be friends with them. Much less allow them to think that I still have feelings for them when I don't. I won't miss talking to him. Maybe every once in a while but right now, he is being mean and I don't really appreciate it. I erased his number for the final time. No more. This is it for good. After masters, if his act is together, we can be friends, if not, then no. I won't put up with it. I need to get some accountability. Arianne is busy, Jessica isn't working out. If I ask her to hold me accountable, I don't really think she knows what that means and what that entails. She's bad at it and you know what. So am I. But at least I know that. At least I want and will work on it. I choose not to talk to her and if she can grow up and stop thinking about herself, great. If not, then I need to stay away from her. I'm sorry if that's mean but it's how I feel. I need to start expressing that more often. I don't like the way she makes me feel. Unimportant. At this point, she could say she's sorry all day long, but I don't feel like it would change anything. Oh well. Maybe later. I think I always used her as a security blanket. I didn't have very many friends when I first moved back, but now I do and I don't need her and I'm ok to say that. I can let go of her because I have other people now. I feel bad that that's what I did and I'll admit it if I had to. I put up with her crap cuz i didn't have anyone else. That's different now. And I'll be ok. I love you so much God. Please forgive me. I'm sorry for not living up to what I could be right now. Help me to do better. I love you.