Today...

So, today I did something that I shouldn't of done. I have had a struggle for a while with sex and watching things that deal with sex and thinking about sex and it's all just a huge mess. Ever since I was molested, I started thinking about it non-stop. I got tired of it and even though it was a struggle during Master's, I felt that after my second year I had concured it. But today, I allowed myself to watch something called "The Red Shoe Diaries". It sounds almost innocent, but it isn't. It's anything but innocent and good. It was shady beyond compare and I'm pretty sure that I haven't felt more nasty after watching it in my entire life. Why on earth did I allow myself to watch it? Because I didn't feel as if I had control anymore. I felt that if I just watched this one movie or one episode of something I would be fine. Kinda like a drug fix only I feel as if it's way worse. It seems as if I am good when I'm around people, but when I'm alone I turn into someone I don't like. Even if I'm around my family I feel alone. I just want to be with people all the time, but I can't do that while living in Happy. There aren't any people here! Now I'm just complaining. If I had been steady with my QT's I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be having this issue right now or writing this blog. I sometimes think that God won't forgive me because I knew better and I watched that movie anyways. But I know He still loves me and you can't have love without forgiveness. It's not possible. Love is patient and Kind. It doesn't keep any record of wrong. God, I'm so sorry. I'm prideful and I continue to see things or do things that break my pride a little more. Unintentionally of course ha. I mess up even when no one else is around and yet I feel stupid. I just want to be better again. But I need to work at it. You have blessed me with a great past couple of weeks, please God, I beg You that it will continue. I've made friends so fast and they really do like me. For me! Instantly! Well, almost ha. I just feel so great about this job and I'm hoping that one day soon I'll be able to get one or two of my new friends to go to church with me. That would be so great. Please God, I'm asking this while knowing what I'm asking for. I love you so much. Break me. If you've stopped then please start again. No more depression. No more sexual sin. No more gossiping. I can't handle those to be on my shoulders. I've got enough stuff to do than that crap. Help me God to always remember what Brady saw that night at TEN. A circle of peace that surrounds me. I think Celeste might be getting closer to me and that's awesome! I'm so happy for her! I hope and pray God that something will happen there. Something radical and extraordinary. I love you God and I DO believe in miracles.